So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I want a musical about memes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
