i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
