OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
