if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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