I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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