Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
