first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
