My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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