I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
