A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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