Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
