Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
