the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
