Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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