can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
