Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
