I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
