the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
pop tarts are not kleenex
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize