When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
