How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
