how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
