And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
