mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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