She is in my trunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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