i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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