connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
