It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she woke up with a sticky ear
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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