Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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