Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
