Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
