Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
