On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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