Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize