a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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