Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
