I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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