omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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