a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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