I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
Randomize
