I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
