Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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