i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
