I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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