My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
