I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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