I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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