guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
