i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
