I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
