took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
