an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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