I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
