I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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