singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
