I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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